Summary:
Encapsulating ‘rules of thumb’ for communicating and good boundaries for communication. Goal of creating closeness, repairing resentment, preventing toxic or abusive patterns, cutting off broken relationships.
My intentions
- I have good intentions and will strive to convey that in my communications
- I do and will strive to assign good intentions to your words and actions
- I do this with awareness of fallibility and openness to correction
My Actions
- I will attempt to assume good reason for mistakes or hurtful things, but will apply appropriate boundaries
- Appropriateness of response
- I believe communication is fundamentally hard, but I will invest the energy and appropriate means (in person over phone, phone over messaging, letters, etc.)
Boundaries
- There are reasonable bounds to which any assumption of good intent can and should go. I no longer put up with toxic communication
- If I make a mistake, I will do my best to be open and acknowledge the mistake and correct it. I expect it to be expressed in a reasonable fashion as possible
- If emotions run too high I will do my best to express it and my need to step away for a time
- I will strive to hold myself to all of these things
- I have a similar expectation on anyone that wishes to cooperate with me, accept help from me, or have a relationship with me or those I am responsible for their health and safety
Examples of Toxic Communication
- Discourtesy such as interrupting, swearing, raising voice, yelling, etc.
- Disrespectful or disregarding acts such as
- diverting attention to other conversations/phone/social media during conversation
- making commitments of communication and not following through. Example: missing planned touch points of communication
- Condescension such as
- Scoffing
- Snickering, laughing
- Rolling eyes
- Ad hominem diversions such as:
- attacks on my character and intent
- Externalization
- refusal to self-assess
- blaming others for all or more than their fair share of blame
- ‘Gaslighting’
- intentional obfuscation of reality or facts to ‘win’
- Feigned ignorance or misunderstanding