I lost both my escitalopram (Lexapro), and eszopiclone (Lunesta) prescription at the beginning of the weekend. Which is really dumb, but it happens. And it highlights one of the things that really frustrated and caused me huge problems with my experiences attempting to find solutions for my mental health problems.
The escitaloprom itself helps with my ruminations, which is an intensely severe problem for me. I finally decided to try it again because I needed to find a way to get out of the severe pit I have found myself in. Starting Over
However, when I start to come off of it, whether it is by accident as in this case or on on purpose it triggers or releases an intense, anxiety inducing and scary ruminations. It is incredibly frustrating to be fully aware that the way I feel is so radically subject to things out of my control.
So now, I am trying to get a secondary prescription ASAP.
I am rationally aware that many of my feelings moment to moment are due to whatever fundamental flaws that exist within my biology or my situation and are (somewhat) transitory and can be addressed - but it is incredibly hard to stay upbeat and positive when there is a constant barrage of intrusive painful thoughts, or a knife’s edge of falling into a bout of rumination over the things that hurt me most in the world right now.
It sucks. It hurts terribly. I am unfortunately, and largely due to my own mistakes but not my intentions, incredibly lonely and isolated so i am alone with the experience. And of course this is where the intrusive thoughts and ruminations hit me. The pain, confusion, frustration, hurt of feeling that I’m not worth care from others. That despite my strong desire to be a person for others, to help, it’s not desired or wanted.
And I’m stopping myself. It’s the ruminative thread about my core situational trouble. Something I should encapsulate in a separate place and put bounds around it.
At any rate. The thoughts intruce incessantly. The self-assessment, that I can’t argue with it’s accuracy that highlights and points out how alone I am, and how much my attempts to connect with others fails.